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The Chairman's Demise

By Joe Hampden Park (Eastbourne) Bowling Club

Friday, 6 March 2020


Hampden Park (Eastbourne) Bowling Club Contributor


The Chairman’s Demise.

The winner of this year’s “Sherlock Holmes Award” for detective work went to Kevin’s niece Charlotte. The “Clouseau Award” for arriving at the totally wrong conclusion, not surprisingly, went to our Chairman Ken.

Following the high successful, & might I say profitable, Murder Mystery at our Clubhouse, there is a Final Newsflash from the Editor of the Westminster Evening News (aka Brian).

His Excellency the El Doradian Ambassador to London (aka Ken our Club Chairman) was stabbed to death by Mrs Monsoon (aka Corinne our Club President) the mother of the Ab Fab advertising boss Eddie Monsoon (aka Charlotte). This was a revenge killing after her lover had been brutally murdered in El Dorado. There are nationwide calls for clemency.

Mrs Monsoon was quoted as saying ‘I feel vindicated now and have no plans to kill anyone else’. Diplomatic relations between the UK and El Dorado are at an all-time low. A lucrative helicopter deal has been called off, a Government Minister (aka Fred C) has been asked to resign, and a senior civil servant (aka Fred T) is under investigation for insider trading.

The Embassy have refused to pay for a tourist promotion by Ab Fab, however the spoof Bond movie ‘Blue Emmanuelle meets James Bond’ is having a Hollywood remake. The star Patsy Stone (aka Allison – Dolly’s daughter), lifelong friend of Eddie Monsoon, was awarded a BAFTA. An almost extinct Pot Bellied Lemur borrowed from London Zoo, under dubious circumstances, has been returned to the zoo safely. Donald Trump tweeted yesterday “stick to bikes Boris, look at the mess you get in when playing with oil”.

The casting of the show raised a few eyebrows when it was discovered that the Club Chairman had been brutally murdered by the Club President. (More than a hint of Freudian casting there.) In addition there had been a total disregard for age as Saffy Monsoon’s mother was seen to be a number of years younger than her daughter. The explanation given was that the illustrious author (Fred T) clearly lives in a parallel universe, but this did not come as a surprise to long standing club members.

Other members of the cast were: Saffy Monsoon (Dolly); Bubbles (Daphne); Bernard Wooley (Barry); First Secretary (Colin); Journalists (Ron & Reuben).

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